I've been thinking about money recently...and money is not something I enjoy thinking about.
It's difficult to avoid it though if you even glance at the news or peruse the headlines...
When it comes to money, I'm kind of all over the place...
--In one breath, I complain or worry because Jason's income has decreased and his health insurance costs have gone up.
--In another breath, I verbalize that I trust God with all our resources.
--On one day, I sense that things are feeling a bit tighter and vow to really "reign in spending".
--While on another day, I give in to purchasing the $6 "woodland creature" at pottery barn that I definitely don't need....side note...I have issues with woodland creatures...but that is a whole different blog post.
--In a moment of selfishness, (if I'm honest), I resent the missionary's request for more funding.
--But as God works on my heart, I'm mortified that those thoughts even crossed by mind, and I feel pure joy in releasing what actually belonged to Him all along (thank goodness for Jason--whose generosity tops mine).
--On one day, I feel God leading us to spontaneously give to a family that is in need...but I have doubts about how it will all pan out when it comes time to balance the check book.
--But the exact same day, a check arrives in the mail to celebrate Lydia's birth (4 and 1/2 months ago) and as I am reminded that God is our provider, I'm just overwhelmed by His goodness.
--The night before we are supposed to loan money to a friend, my heart is a bit hard and I am rationalizing why we should expect repayment.
--But by the following morning, I am reminded of what Christ sacrificed for me, and it is true joy to give freely.
--Even just last week...we were able to meet a need and I prayed:
"God as you provide for us, let our willingness to share with others overflow."
I felt lucky...but I don't want to use that word...more just...thankful...that because of His goodness, we could give. That same day, Jason called to tell me that he'd received an unexpected bonus in a year of no bonuses.
And here, I must interject a thank you to God for His undeserved grace and also a promise that as He provides, we will continue to hold our resources with an "open grip"--knowing that it all really belongs to Him. I guess that really is my prayer..."keep us willing to lay it all at your feet, to respond whenever you present a need."
God's provision is amazing...so encouraging...
How many times have we seen Him provide through others?
--When we were going through Selah's adoption and my parents covered the kids' school tuition...
--When Selah died and those we'd helped in the past sent funds to cover her hospital expenses or others cancelled or refunded amounts that they rightfully should've claimed...
--Through Lydia's adoption--when our agency gave us a break on the fees and through family we were able to move forward on a second adoption in 2 years...
During these past few weeks we have spent a lot of time with our missionary friends, Igor and Aliona Tcacenco. They are from Moldova and live in Moldova. Don't worry if you don't know where it is...I thought it sounded like a fictitious place at first too.
They do not have the religious freedom we have nor near the resources we have. Igor has been here several times and last time he stayed, he spent the day washing our minivan with Jason and took a bike ride with Jason and the boys...and his comment was..."This is the life I have always dreamed about...."
We are also currently in a parenting study with a couple who struggle on a daily basis to make ends meet.
The husband is taking a second job to provide for his sick mother in another country.
All of them love God and seek Him and their faith through their struggles is an example for us.
Their "wants" and "needs" are very different from our wants and needs.
It is very convicting.
And it is good to be reminded.
I look around and feel borderline guilty about my warm house, Costco-sized packs of toilet paper, holiday--cordinated sweaters for our dog (which came in a pack for $5.99...I add out of embarrassement). We have more than we actually "need".
But none of that is necessarily wrong. That is not the point of this blog....especially as we head into the Christmas, gift-giving season...
The point it to remember that all of it is actually His.
His to give; His to take. His to receive glory from.
And I look at their lives and their hard work and their love for Him and I know--with true conviction--that our blessings are undeserved.
So this is my prayer tonight...as I think about money and resources:
"Let me never ignore a need; let my eyes always be open to see how Your goodness can be shared with others.
Always make me willing to pray about how you want me to respond.
Keep me ever thankful and aware of how fortunate I am.
Keep me from thinking I deserve any of this; from holding anything you've given us with too tight of a grip.
Make me ready to share with others in a way that is actually sacrificial.
Remove from me a judgmental heart and make me ever mindful that "there, but for the grace of God, go I..."
Give me the strength to trust You if we do go through true financial difficulties, knowing that many of those who love You have faced, and are still facing, much worse.
Give me a grateful heart, that trusts You to provide, and that is always willing to share with others.
And Father, thank you for the total privilege is it to use what You have provided to bring even a tiny bit of joy into the life of someone else. It really is a fun and it really is an honor....let it be for Your glory.
It's all Yours anyways..."
