The Chuppies: Life is Messy; I am Messy

After our daughter Selah died, I remember thinking....

Now we have three towel racks and we only have three towels.

There is one towel rack for each child's towel.

It was one of the thoughts that kept resurfacing.

Now we have three rooms and only three children.
There is one room for each child.

Those thoughts weren't a comfort...but a constant, searing pain in my heart.

A little too neat.
A little too tidy.

My natural bent is to be pretty organized. I like labels and bins and files and every item to have "its home".

At times this is an attribute.
At times it's also my biggest fault.

But I always have a sense that while God can use my skills of order...I walk close to the edge of living in my own strength....of finding my security and peace in the order I feel I can create.

This is why...a little bit of mess gives me comfort.

It's a good reminder that life is messy.

People don't fit into neat boxes and categories.

God's plans don't always follow the road map I've sketched out.

I want to expect the unexpected.

I want to wait on His leading for what may come around the next corner.

When I live with the understanding that:

Friends will disappoint--

Family will fail--

We are all capable of the next failure--

I am capable of the next failure--

In fact, I am capable of creating a HUGE mess--
Then--I will remember that "anyone who thinks he stands, (must) take heed lest he fall" (1 Cor. 10:12)....

Only when I acknowledge that this life is messy...it often doesn't go as I've planned...and I rarely even fulfill my own goals....

Only then--will I cling to God, abide in Him, and call out my need to Him daily.

I will say:

...apart from Him...I can do nothing (John 15:5).

And only then--will I find true strength.
True order.
Real purpose.
Real peace.

So--sometimes when my junk drawers are full and I don't have enough hooks for the bathroom towels...

I'm thankful for the visual reminder...that only God creates real order.
That only God can truly straighten paths.
That on my own, leaning on my own ability...even if my outward appearance seems to hold merit...God sees the messiness and without Him...nothing can truly be cleaned up.

That's why for me, there's value in a few concrete messy spots. Like when I lift up our daughter's car seat and find hidden piles of milky cracker crumbs and dried cranberries.

They remind me of how much I need Him...if I want to truly clean up the dirty mess that is crammed inside my heart.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He will make straight your paths."

~Proverbs 2: 5 & 6

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,

and renew a right spirit within me."

~Psalm 51:10